Look, this is just a blog.  I write with little regard for proper technique, or rules of grammar... i'm basically an untrained novice writer who started blogging as a form of therapy once the covid-era began, and my livelihood changed forever... i split up this web-site to have a section geared toward my political opinions and complaints, and another one for my philosophical and religious opinions, but this page is just the blog part... with that said--I write for my own mental-health, as history for my family, and for anyone else that cares to read... i like to consume information, process it for a bit, and regurgitate while connecting some useful patterns... and, i complain a lot, too... the Reader should understand that i'm a world-class complainer... respectfully yours, chris.

 05-22-24:  had me one of them sleep-studies last night, looking forward to reading the report... it wasn't a great sleep either, not sure what time i woke up to pee, but i was stimulated enough by the time i laid back down that i don't know if i ever achieved any sleep-state... i don't feel like i did, but the nurse-lady/technician (Elizabeth/Beth) said that she got enough data by 05:30 to call it a wrap... a shitty night's sleep is common, maybe three nights per week/avg, but when those nights are back-to-back i turn into a different person, lucky to bring my C or D-game to life, D to F seems more typical, capable of a few house-hold chores and cook up some dinner... this sort of inconsistency in my performance is what led to a bunch of job issues, emotional stress issues, physical health issues... this is the second night of similar sleep in a row, one more and i'm not going to operate heavy machinery (driving a car) until things correct a bit, and i learn to sleep like a regular/normal person. The biggest effects are poor cognition, increased ADD-like drifting thoughts, poor concentration, low ability to process information beyond small-talk, and i can get pretty fvcking moody with the full-blown typical INTJ 'cut to the chase, knock off the chatter, i don't care whose feelings get hurt, do what you're supposed to do'... those qualities are good for some environments, but not for home-life, not for family... it's the inconsistency of my performance, and un-dependability to show up on time that don't make me a great candidate for anything... i need problems to solve, something interesting to keep me stimulated, and maybe some plants, and people to nurture, otherwise i'm like a retired dude trying to find new meaning and purpose under different circumstances... i'm also supposed to be some kind of minister/pastor/whatever, but that's a bit scary, and i'm still sort of running from that calling... the new church is fine and all, but they have a focus on music aspect of worship, and fellowship, not growing leaders/pastors, and they aren't even a part of a denomination, so there doesn't seem to be a means of credentialing, so i probably won't pursue anything through them, i might just do some online credentialing... i'm happy being lazy about the process, to be very frank, i'm a big fearful pvssy when it comes to serving God, or working on His behalf somehow, you can think of me as Jonah, you know, the prophet that didn't want to do what he was supposed to do, so a frickin whale had to take action... i identify with that country song that goes 'God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy'... i'm fine with crazy people to a degree, so long as they know they are crazy, it's the crazy ones that don't know they are crazy that are hard... until you listen/observe, and learn from them... that's usually how it seems to go... i wonder if a college would give me credit toward counseling/therapy for all of the years i did customer and technical support... i had a shit-ton of patients back in those days... The swears that i use bother a bunch of people, it makes them uncomfortable, i get it, but i'd rather talk like most people that i interact with, and what's more natural given my background and experiences, but that will be a problem with some churchy-folks, where we expect everyone to use a very controlled vocabulary, and not just be themselves... i love the concept of helping rough folks assimilate to be judged as 'a normal person', but i'm fine with the principle of inclusion until my limits on judging other people's behavior comes to it's end... so i talk with people inside, and mostly outside of the church who swear as emphasis, i don't use swears as cursing much, unless i'm commuting for work or an appointment, i could fill a swear-jar; that's what i'm used to, and that's also how i communicate sometimes, i'm also a bit of a comedian at heart, so the swearing for emphasis leads to that form of communicating... anyways, here i am making more excuses as to why i can't do any official Christian church pastorship... i'm pretty sure folks would want to lynch/stone me the second i let go of filters and speak harsh realities... in the Myers-Briggs test you would say that i'm an INTJ personality-type (general thought-processes/patterns), in the Christian church spiritual gifts test thing that one of the local pastors sent me a link to, said that i'm a leader, prophet, apostle sort of person... i'd just say that i'm a weird introverted dude, that presents several traits associated with Asberger's, and too much stimuli/pollution, and not enough seep or alone-time and i'm no good, but i'm reality-centric, and have followed Christianity for a few decades now. When i'm not over-stressing myself, and getting some purposeful meditation in then i'm usually not riled-up, and pretty accommodating and friendly to most folks, and can tolerate most others... and, lastly, here's the joke of the day... so i show up for the sleep study at the hospital, and the frickin door's locked, they won't let me in... i call the hospital on the cell phone, and they patch me through to security who tells me how to get in... i finally get in and they tell me that i'm unconditoned, balding, old, ugly, and stupid... so i'm like, you people are awesome, you're making me feel right at home for this stupid test -- ct

 05-19-24:  got a weird week coming up, started with Pentecost Sunday, church, a shave a haircut and a second shower... got to get this week's focus on CBTI training, re-writing parts of my manuscript, and when my body can take it, another day or so of handyman sorts of chores... also got the sleep-study this week, going to a hospital at 8:pm with the goal of sleeping for as long as possible, and 6:am is the target departure, that's a long-ass time at a hospital for something that isn't an emergency, but decades of insomnia is going to lead to an emergency, so maybe i shouldn't complain about one night, and the potential for the gain based on the data that's collected -- it's probably going to tell me i'm short, balding, and ugly... wondering about how much the insomnia is bad habits, pain, worries, and trying to solve problems -- it's some of that stuff, and probably other things too, like breathing obstruction, and an itty-bitty bladder, and probably other stuff too.

 ... got to write a bit more for fun this week too, this crummy web-editting application has problems for the past month or two, enough that i've been frustrated enough to mostly stop writing... and then doing a bunch of chores away from home has added to some stress which has distracted me from doing other priorities too... i'm done with the big projects for now, so i expect to balance back out soon, i hate being busy and distracted, i've missed a shit-ton of life by being those things.

 ... looking forward to getting the shoulder worked on, trying to get motivated for the therapy afterwards, gotta strengthen some of these weak muscles that i haven't used properly for quite sometime... not sure how much the surgery/procedures will help, but Ben is confident he can relieve a bunch of the chronic pain, and he's smart and talented, so you know, there's that... a decade's worth of compensating with other muscles is going to take some unlearning, and relearning -- just like my hip, i still don't feel like i know how to walk correctly, sometimes the proper muscles stretch, expand, and contract at just the right moment, and sometimes they are lazy or forget... at least that's what it seems like, it seems a bit warped to want surgery, but eventually you need relief, and 'm not ready to curl up and die just yet. -- ct

 05-18-24:  back from the retreat/conference/whatever, it was a solid coupala-days. i got more confirmation (same information presented various ways/times) about something that i see lacking in the local church, criticism is easy for an outsider who observes from a totally different perspective, and not being emotionally vested and attached; and it also affects me at this stage of life, to answer a call for ministry, or keep running from it... the church seems to be focused on consumer-based congregation/mentality, they feed mostly folks who expect to get spoon-fed, rather than growing leaders... in a healthy human growth-cycle everyone will mentor/lead/parent/help/educate as well nurture/love/care/provide-for, yet the church seems to focus on the consumer, not moving consumers into provider-roles... my understanding and crude articulation of this perceived paradox is that the end goal of local churches is to facilitate a congregation of healthy people who minister to others using the gifts and resources that each unique individual has, to minister individually, as well a corporately in some fashion... when we use the philosophy that some are born to lead, and others are the flock who need to be led, seemingly playing to the odds that most folks won't live to their potential, that most folks will seek comfort and the path of least resistance, and not assuming/expecting God's spirit to move on consumers, or for people to mature to the degree where their priorities are more aligned with reality... it seems like the cycle of introducing people to reality, and helping through all stages of a sustainable cycle to produce your replacements, and others who may have a larger influence, stalls at the weakest point within the local church... i don't know that it's just a local church issue--being consumer-centric--or if it's part of the larger church... it's like they stall at the point of sometimes adequate therapy, but not pushing the congregation to flourish on their individual gifts and ministries... with this sort of mentality and approach we do not see the congregation through the eyes of our God, who gives everyone gifts, resources, talents to utilize/exercise to reach some level of our potential to make the world/creation a little better for the current and future... when leadership views the congregation as folks who fulfill their individual calling/ministry we aren't preparing for a sustainable cycle, we are assuming that God will do His thing, and everything will work out fine... it's my opinion that the church isn't telling folks that we are all called to be ministering/parenting/mentoring/educating to others... it's my opinion that without telling people multiple times that they are supposed to be ministering, and training them to be leaders and ministers, we are forever teaching 'the congregation' to be eternal consumers, and not providers... everyone has various gifts/talents/strengths/resources/tools, and are meant to utilize/exercise and eventually educate/mentor/train/instruct/nurture... my opinions are biased in many ways, some of which i'm aware of, being a parent has much to do with bias, perhaps this sustainable concept is difficult to comprehend if you have never had to raise children, who will have to develop/grow strong, intelligent, and independent enough to do what you did--or, are doing... it's my opinion that a sustainable mentality is to not assume that people who attend churches are there to be consumers because they are too broken, unintelligent to be serving/ministering/helping the community/creation to make it a better place... i think the church is thinking a bit too much about yesterday, and not enough about tomorrow, assuming/expecting too little... it's also my opinion that i'm preaching to myself about being selfish with my time/resources and any talents and gifts that i haven't been exercising with the goal of making the world a better place for future generations, a sustainable concept to help folks reach a greater degree of their potential to serve God and creation... the sustainable model is growing leaders, not sheep-feeding, the sustainable methodology is telling folks the truth that God is expecting them to be ministers, it shouldn't be a secret kept, it should be preached and taught... none of this is a condemning opinion, it's simply a call for a change of perspective, and a more balanced approach for a sustainable cycle... if we preach that we should be Christ-like/centric then that means we are all supposed to be teachers/healers/educators/servers, so perhaps that should be our goal as individuals, therefore, should be preached by those who preach/educate, most folks have far more potential then they'll ever realize, or will be realized by others, so it's time to stop assuming that people won't be the leaders that we aren't meant to be... no rebukes here, but a church that isn't sustainable won't be able to withstand growth, so growth shouldn't be expected, growth will destroy the exhausted leadership, who all work full time, which is why they need a shift in focus from evangelism and music to discipleship and leadership development... the current model doesn't seem sustainable for long-term survival, coming from a guy whose been an active member in three churches that closed, and mostly because they didn't know what they didn't know, they saw what they wanted to see, their vision was either derailed, or it didn't align with reality... it's good to have some emphasis as a church, but balance is more sustainable, so balance should always be considered.  --  ct

 05-17-24:  at a Christian Men's weekend/retreat, ten guys from the local church meeting up with about seven-hundred other dudes... you got some keynote speakers, your music, your food, comfy lodging, nice setting with great weather and plenty of outdoor activities, and then there is more food, and then a bit more... the fellowship is big too, being an introvert i avoid these sorts of things like the oldest container of leftovers in the back of the fridge, but i like the crew of guys from the Newton church, all here seeking different yet similar things, all with various pursuits yet seeking similar ones, all with different expectations yet hoping to meet--or, hear something new from God in some different way, which is why we all came this weekend... spoke with a ton of strangers, including Peter in his camo-kilt--seems like a good dude, lives a simple life-style and chases God... i've got to get a video of this morning's key-note, it wasn't an environment conducive to writing notes, but he shared a bunch of wisdom/truths that i want to watch at my convenience, i took a few quick notes, too short to be of much value, but these events are all kinds of over-stimulating for my simple brain, and i need to find an audio or video if i'm going to absorb even half of what he shared... this is a consumer-based event, i'm a customer, but also looking at this as time to sow, God uses these events just like everyday events, opportunities to give and take, the potential to be used by God, and time to recover and eat, and eat some more, a steady stream of protein and fat for the herd of carnivores... had a pipe filled with a pleasant smelling tobacco, something a little spicy smelling with a hint of vanilla--it was pleasant, but at one point i subconsciously took a big hit off of it like it was cannabis, and instantly regretted it, these old lungs don't love the smoke... also a slow shot of some decent bourbon--buffalo something or other, it was sweet and smooth, and didn't roast my insides, so it must have been good... and there was more food, and then a little more... i didn't sleep for beans last night, my fault for staying up so late that i thought it was too late for an ambian, but i feel rested enough, just a little slow and tired, much like my aging body... getting my shoulder cut in a few weeks, Dr Ben thinks he can relieve a bunch of the pain with some grinding on the impinged bones, but might have to stitch a few other things which could make recovery a little longer, i'll probably never smash another tennis ball, or throw a thirty-yard pass, but if i can sleep with less pain, and perform a little better without regretting it so much afterwards i'll be pretty stoked... today is Laura's last day at work, she needs a little time to get more healthy, child-care is kicking the crap out of her immune system, and the company's inability to recognize their unsustainable policies and procedures has been kicking the crap out of her emotional-system, so i'm happy that she gets a bit of a retreat (in some respects) to get more healthy, and start doing some work because she likes it, not because she feels obligated to support someone else's business needs, this should be a good season of recovery for her... body, mind, and soul/spirit... God gave me the ability to re-evaluate everything in my life not very long ago, and i'm grateful for that opportunity, however much of that Laura is able to get during this season will be instrumental in her future, she will appreciate her sabbatical, and the restoration and healing that come from rest, the promise of drawing closer to God when you set out with the purpose of drawing closer to God... which is probably why i'm here at this conference this weekend, where there's plenty of men, fellowship, ministry, and a shit-ton of food--and through all of that, there is plenty of God.  --  ct

 05-14-24: still sore from Friday, or was it Thursday? doesn't matter, turning a screw-driver for six-hours isn't something i can do without paying for it days afterwards, but man, i hate just sitting still... gotta exercise some of the skills every now and then, otherwise atrophy sets in. Sleeps been decent the past four nights, making up for the past three weeks of tossing n turning... i think the pain has been sneaking up on me again, and got bad enough that its messing with the sleep... it's so stupid that i even keep trying, but i'm assuming that the surgery will help with most of the remaining pain... the hip is still a bit weak, but i have a decent understanding of it's limitations now, same with the wrist... neither of them bug me very much in bed, but the shoulder... well that sucker is pretty constant in the day, and down-right chronic at night... the Doc. that did my hip last year is going over MRI/contrast results with me on Thursday, my shoulder/bone structure is prone to impingement, and i'm feeling a shit-ton of it these past five or six years... decades of tennis and other sports certainly aided to the deterioration, and bone-rubbing, or whatever it really is... decades of sport, exercise, playing with the kids certainly exasperated genetic pre-dispositions in my case, but doing the work of an electrical-apprentice (the guy who lifts all of the heavy shit so the electrician can do his work) beginning at 49 years old was the folly of all follies, i learned a ton in a pretty short time, but beat the crap out of my gimpy body... all three joints (hip/wrist/shoulder) wouldn't stop screaming at me, and never had enough time off to even try to repair... so, the shoulder issues is a big deal, the last of my big-three issues to dig into... Doctor Ben knows whats-up with it already do to my obvious bone structure shown by x-rays, but last week's MRI will tell him a bit more about what's going on in the ol' flapper; you know, soft-tissue and stuff... it's probably a stupid theory, but i've been operating under the theory that i should just keep using my shoulder trying to wrap-up a few physical projects that i want to finish years ago (the patio), and a few things maybe over at the church... the theory is to keep moving until he does the surgery, and my muscles won't be extra-weak before therapy begins... every Spring i hurt myself being a week-end warrior, trying to do a bunch of yard-work, and inevitably end up hurting myself for a few months, when i use to try to sport it would guarantee some accelerated injury as i had gotten older, i don't even try to do anything very athletic any more, it's a fool's endeavor at this point... but if i'm going to push myself past my limits i'd rather do so while doing useful things, like fixing some lights or switches (but no over-head work or i die), and laying down the patio-pavers... i'm sure i can still lay the pavers down, but i'm equally sure that i'll be complaining about the ensuing pain for weeks afterward, and some of that time will be medicated do to the surgery... so the theory is to do the physical stuff that needs to get done, despite the muscle-strain that's sure to follow... it's hard learning new limitations, it sucks getting older, and understanding all of the physical-capabilities that we took for granted... every thing within me wants to get stuff done, but moderation and at my preferred-pace seems to yeild the best results, rushing anything doesn't help my health, or guarantee great results... so maybe that's part of learning new limitations, learning the pace that we can do many of the things that we still love to do, at a reasonable pace with as many breaks as necessary to keep moving when we are capable of doing so... we don't always operate with the level of potential or efficiency that youth may have provided... so, many ways i'm thankful that i've had the energy to do as much moving as i have been, and to have much less pain in my wrist and hip, the shoulder and back are some how tolerating the minor electrical work... the patio is going to be a different story, but slow and steady ought to be the mantra... with all of that said, i'm not doing anything else physical besides taking the trash to the dump, nothing until Doc. Saks tells me what's going on, if he says don't do anything else physical until after the surgery then his theory wins over my theory, my theories usually make sense, until i'm introduced to additional information... aka, reality :-)

 05-12-24:  yeah man, Mother's Day... it's the day you show mama some love and attention, bless her, maybe spoil her a bit... my mom is still in a baggie which is inside of a clay pot on the TV-cabinet thing in the living room... thought i was going to sprinkle her today on the beach, but i didn't plan that one out, so she's still in the living room... I remember mom today because she passed two years ago on Mother's Day, so even though it's not the actual anniversary of her death by calendar date, i still see Mother's Day as the day to remember her role for all but 18 years of her life, and the day which she passed to whatever awaits... whether it's a promise of paradise, a spiritual form void of physical restrictions, basking in the glory of God, or whatever it might be... whatever it really is that awaits us, she went there on Mother's Day a couple of years ago, about four-thirty in the afternoon, and she had braids in her hair to finish things off, and to begin something new... Happy Mother's Day mama, Janice Ann Caddigan Terlizzi.  --  ct

 05-11-24:  as much as i despise many of the unethical studies and programs sponsored by DARPA, i gotta tell you that i'm crazy-impressed by the manta-drone... they are making under-water alien-vehicles, UFOs to some degree... it's shape screams of low-drag, can sustain crazy-long periods operating under the sea, and can carry a payload--and who knows what else it's capable of... OK, i don't mind my tax-money paying toward that sucker; i'm a US-taxpayer, therefore, one of the involuntary crowd-funders, but i'm OK with the fruits/results, this time... the manta looks sick, in the 1980's Boston sort of way, which means cool from the same period, which is the same as wicked, and all are the same thing as pissah... as far as i'm concerned, the Manta is wicked-pissah.  --  ct

 05-09-24:  still not writing much, it's past time to complain about the performance of this web-editing thing that i use, it's the vehicle/canvas that i use to write, i'll add that to my list of things to do... i suppose i could write in a local word-editor, and paste into this crummy platform, but it feels like i'm writing more authentically/live when i write directly from the web-thing.  i'm two days past the MRI, and the shoulder is still recovering from it, they must have sunk that needle for the dye deeeeeeeep within me... the technician warned me of the pain, but i assumed it would be of the everyday variety, not the WTF kind of pain, good grief man.  going to help a friend with some wiring issues today, meaning, teaching them how to do it, because my body is too gimpy to do much labor these days... i thought i was in pretty good shape, but i made the same mistake i do every Spring, once it's warm outside i live the 'weekend-warrior' life, and overdue it to the point where i hurt most of the Summer... yep, i'm totally that guy... every frickin year, it's hard learning your limitations when you haven't had to think of them for the first fifty years of life, but maybe i'll smarten-up, and be more mindful/aware of my actions/movement before i do anymore damage to the old dad-bod.  i spoke to a guy that was supposed to be helpful with Veteran's issues yesterday, instead he turned-out to be a fearful man that felt like he had to perform in some inauthentic way without fully articulating himself, other than the fear... it didn't seem like a fruitful endeavor, but at least i learned who not to go to for counsel... so i'm chalking it up to an exercise of patience with a touch of education.  The publisher is cranking along with pre-production stuff, it's awesome to see what professionals can do with my writing-style, and abomination of most rules of grammar... they are certainly earning their pay with my project, they got their hands full... next week i'll find out how much they charge for the recommended 'line-editing' service.  Seems like the process is moving along quickly, i wrote most of it at the end of Feb thru the end of Mar, and here we are in May, and it's cranking right along... with my budget it's an expensive endeavor, it's like i'm paying for the final product which also comes with a ton of education, and since the essay already helped a few people it's worth every penny... i pray that God will use that tool to help others in due time.  I don't love how busy May has been, and equally don't love how busy June looks to be either, but the shoulder surgery will certainly slow things down for me, just don't know when it will happen... i'll be a one-armed super gimp soon enough, with OTJ training of 'how to be a lefty' to boot, it'll be educational, and probably frustrating too... the right arm-pit is going to reek like a high-school athlete for a month or so.  OK, ready for the second cup of coffee, enjoy your Thursday.  --  ct