Look, this is just a blog.  I write with little regard for proper technique, or rules of grammar... i'm basically an untrained novice writer who started blogging as a form of therapy once the covid-era began, and my livelihood changed forever... i split up this web-site to have a section geared toward my political opinions and complaints, and another one for my philosophical and religious opinions, but this page is just the blog part... with that said--I write for my own mental-health, as history for my family, and for anyone else that cares to read... i like to consume information, process it for a bit, and regurgitate while connecting some useful patterns... and, i complain a lot, too... the Reader should understand that i'm a world-class complainer... respectfully yours, chris.

  08-31-24: Adios August--I was going to say Siah-narah, but I don't know how to spell that, maybe I'll look it up and use it as a clever send-off to September when the time rolls around--on second thought, I hope I spelled adios correctly, and didn't forget one of those quotaion-thingies over one of the letters... oh well... another page of history turns, but time isn't so simple that we can turn the page on it, but our negative ways and patterns certainly can... time isn't that simple, but we track it as much, or maybe we overcomplicated it in an attempt to understand and make sense of our solar-system... August into September in the blink of an eye. August flew by, I was stressing over a bunch of unfamiliar things--most which were out of my control--and not having faith that I did everything that I could have done to make those things happen in time, or that things might just possibly work out in the end... which they did. But making the transition from having to help people with lot's of different things, and having the time and willingness to help how I can, into consistent days which I focus my time and attention to study. Forming adequite learning hygeinge principles/routines has been challenging. I'm a bit ADD, and almost welcome a little bit of distraction in my life; however, cutting back with my time and attention to focus on knowledge and wisdom aquisition seems like a kick in the crotch... it feels un-natural. It's not like I was always totally engaged with my family and friends, but mostly so in the last few-two or three years--give or take. Besides distractions, getting caught up on the reading in PHIL240 is a challenge, it's heady material, and I'm trying hard to remember names/references (associating references/sources is one of my weaknesses), that I feel like I'm not able to identify which parts are important to remember, and which parts are just the 'good to know' parts. Also, writing style... I pride myself on writing efficiently, with as little academic/technical vocabulary as possible, with little regard to grammar/punctuation, and in a way that's easily translatable and understood; but, now I have to change that mindset, because I do have to adjust to a conformity that I'm unaccustomed and a bit rebelious to. I've read plenty in the past to know how to do that, I wanted to be a PCP back in my youth, and devoured medical literiture as much as it presented itself for a decade or so, but I've lost most of that knowledge, and writing principles... but MAN, am I rusty, and a bit stuck in my ways perhaps. I probably should make use of the writing mentors that the school has availible, but I'm forcing myself to just face the challenges, and try to work through my weaknesses, accept the consequences of what I produce, and learn what I can learn. I didn't really hold expectations about how well I did as far as grades are concerned, but I do understand much of my potential to process information very thoroughly, and my cognition level hasn't hit an acceptable spot on the dimmer-switch all but a handfull of hours this week. These are some of my current challenges, sometimes I do a good job working through challenges, sometimes I'm the village-idiot, or dysfuntional mal-adaptive. I'm doing a macro-dose cubensis therapy in the near future, that really seemed to help with cognitive function back in the Spring, as well as understanding cause and affect from certain experiences, as well as seratonin calibration, as well as making better priorities, as well as chronic head-aches... so i'm looking forward to that again, getting re-grounded--so to speak. -- ct

  08-30-24:  I think the answer to most of my current pain is weakness at this point... I'm a fool to not prioritize exercise/resistence-training. The gimpy joints got surgically repaired, so most of the current pain is weakness and tension. The post-op P/T for the shoulder is helping a ton, but it's also revealing how many other parts are weakened, and which ones get excessive use. It makes sense that the felt side is getting over-worked as the right shoulder healed, but I didn't anticipate the awakening of many of my smaller muscle-groups... I won't be a slave to NSAIDs again, ibuprofen used to be one of my food groups. P/T drops to once per week in Sept, so I'm going to hit the Y two other days in attempt to get the muscular-skeletel stuff working together/harmoneously again. I'm taking ownership of this issue, and decided to do something logical about it... light weights, and only cable machines or bikes... I hate feeling this way, got to mitigate the chronic tension and pain; the surgeries certainly helped, but most of the remaining pain is soft-tissue, and much of that is getting worked after getting to a very weak state. -- ct

  08-29-24:  Learning with Andy: https://www.hubermanlab.com/topics/learning-and-memory

  08-28-24:  Biggest writing challenges--first, the easy one--the fvcking keyboard on this new laptop that I had high expectations for... actually, it's not so much the keyboard as it is the touch-pad thingy. The asthetics are a 'simple is beautiful' design; I like everything about it except for the oversized and hidden mousey button-thingy that also has hidden buttons which are also over-sized... I'll probably switch over to an external keyboard and mouse, and just use the laptop as a monitor and processor... the monitor is brilliant, and it's touch-screen--which I seldom remember...
  ... the real challenge is going to be switching from my natural style--which is in full display all over this simple blog--over to Academic APA-cited style. I have no ambition to write with other people's standards, but it comes with the territory with secondary education... Proper grammar and punctuation, ewww... so that's my biggest challenge. Also--in a similar note--after mis-spelling a word three times in the same post/thread to all of my class-mates and professor, I realized how over-dependant I am on spell-check... I shouldn't leave home without it... SOmetimes a mis-spelling of a common word is a literal word residing in the database that the spell-check--and me by proxy--rely on... 'habbit' 'habit' what-EVER!!! ...
  ... The PHIL240 class is very heady; and, since I have been functioning with a relatively low level of cognition and performance lately, I've had difficulty carving out time when I'm at a high level of alertness/concentration-level, or level of cognition... I consider cognition and concentration/performance-level as if it's on a dimmer-switch... physical pain, and financial burdon have been two distractions lately--as a number of other things--and those distractions contribute to a loss of band-width throughout the old noggin... those stressors alone can be depressive, and over-stimulating some organs and glands that spike some hormones that are only healthy to spike in specific situations, not prolonged periods... those are some reasons why we need to pay attention to our body's signals that something ain't right, and requires more attention and therapy/aid. Physical-therapy has been great after the shoulder surgery; I have most of my rotation back, but strengthening some of these muscles that are weak has been a real ass-kicker--the pain is constant but fluctuates in severity and location--so I don't hate the pain, it's working for my own good helth.  I'm trying to stay better hydrated, cut back to a beer per day, but added more stimulants (caffeine and nicotine) which aren't neccesarily great aids for the long-term, they are a couple of short-term 'band-aid' like therapies... I'm also drinking more herbal teas, and the seltzer-waters flavored with a little bit of fruit-juice, those things are awesome...

  ... OK, enough venting and mentioning some self-discovery/realization... I've got school-work to attend to... but, if you are the praying type, please consider doing so for some of the things mentioned above.  --  ct

  08-27-24:  first week of school was a bit overwhelming--at times--but manageable.  I'm juggling a few priorities, as a husband, father, and church...stuff like that.  Learning to manage all of these things, and doing them all well with some harmony is the challenge.  I didn't consider school a 'challenge', I just want to learn and acquire some credentials, but time management and discipline is the order of the day.  Learning new things, manage/prioritizing the time/focus required to do new things is a step in personal evolution, which in itself requires challenge/exercising of the noggin, and blancing the rest of our being (see H:3).  --  ct

  08-27-24 later:  one of the things I appreciate about school is reading chunks of wisdom/truth that had shaped your worldview, but re-readling them again many years later--quoted exactly from the source.  Some of it has been Christian scripture -- meaning Book-chapter-verse/verses of important principles-- and some from other historical geniuses and influencers.

  Yeah man, I'm digging education... the consumption, processing, and application of knowledge--the beginning of understanding, wisdom, and usefulness to larger environments... to both Creator, creation, and a better satisfaction with my life.  --  ct

• communicating things until after they became real concerns
• aligning priorities, time, and attention
• fourth consecutive month of negative budget
• not knowing how to reduce/eliminate certain distractions
• and probably a few more things that I can't recall

   08-22-24: some changes/transitions that have begun -- one in writing style, another in reading content, another with responsibility, some physical conditioning, a bunch of house cleaning; I guess it's basically defining some new priorities, and making adjustments to others... secondary education, physical therapy, and an over-stuffed completely cluttered house are the drivers, and the motivation behind those drivers are pursuit of knowledge to increase wisdom to use to help others with new kills, and satisfy my constant curiosity; also, to help balance out my writing style to something a bit more appealing to folks who buy books... motivated to spend more effort on physical conditioning as physical therapy is showing me how weak a bunch of my muscles have gotten over time; i'm also making daily meditation (highly focused prayer and relaxation) a priority once again--it was stupid to let them slip... and as for the house, it will make things more organized (easier to find), improved air quality and hygienic/clean, and will improve my mental health--especially in regards to over-stimulation by something that i really hate, but became accustomed to--i think it's one of the factors that lead to my variations of resentment toward my wife from time to time, and the fact that it's rubbed off onto both daughters... i need to be a better husband and father by helping them and holding them accountable in over-coming the dysfunction without giving into anger/overwhelment, and being an asshole--which is a tendency--our priorities and levels of comfort living in disorganized clutter is quite different... the excuse of 'extending love and grace to my family' really evolved into chaos -- me being lazy about my responsibilities as a leader, and focusing my attention on a zillion other things were probably where I went wrong, and following societal dictates and priorities to the degree of exhausting myself a big part of it... i think a bit of Dunning-Kruger syndrome in the sense that I thought I was able to do all of the things I was doing, doing them well, and without taking it's toll on my overall health was a degree of delusion... it led to my mind always being pre-occupied by random thoughts about how to solve this problem, or that problem, or (fill in the blanks), and then you add in the God stuff--meaning, the still soft voice that motivates you to do something to help with something that you wouldn't otherwise be doing... in my later years, i'm placing much more priority on that still soft voice, and doing less things so I do important things much better, and making sure my health doesn't get out of whack again--and by health I mean body, mind, and soul...
  ... writing this at four in the morning because I woke up to pee, and was too conscious to go back to bed... it's a bad day to wake up this early, lot's of thing to do today, and I'd like to do them all well, not exhausted and distracted, not a good day to operate with my D-game...
  ... be blessed in your endeavors today, may you have clear priorities, ones that aren't hypocritical to your worldview/ideology that stress your mind and soul... God bless.  --  ct

  08-21-24:  I'm proud of my wife, she did a difficult thing today, and it turned out to be a blessing in many ways... it had nothing to do with physical exercise, but the principle is the same -- resistance training (doing difficult things that you don't necessarily want to do) makes you stronger, and has other positive benefits too... doing difficult things makes doing difficult things easier down the road.  --  ct

  08-20-24:  just a few thoughts from a conversation that i had this morning:

  ... Sorry for the run-on sentence :-)

  08-18-24:  laptop didn't come yet, probably tomorrow... but, i did get my upper receiver back from the gunsmith, they had to pin and weld my muzzle device to make the 14.5' barrel a full legal 16-incher (16.25 to be exact)... nice treat, i finally have an AR that'll shoot 5.56 again, just need something on top to aim with--probably a few months down the road though... my philosophy prof. posted the assignments already, so i've got plenty of reading ahead of me... first book is W. Craig 'On Guard: Defending Your Faith With Reason and Precision'... seems like a decent read, it'll be interesting to see what assignments follow the reading.. Anyhow, just wanted to write a bit, hope to make it a daily habit once again... cheers  --  ct

  08-16-24:  new laptop should arrive shortly, i'm doing the option that people with sub-par credit do when they don't have money to buy them, lease to own... seventy-nine bucks down, really shitty long-term interest, but not much of a hit if you can pay it off in 90-days... so i'll be geeking out over it this weekend, stripping off the crummy software that comes pre-installed, updating everything that needs to be updated, downloading favorite software, importing stuff from this aging beauty (current laptop), and then trying to get used to it's weird keyboard and mouse/touch-pad (Dell xps16)... i ought to have it singing by the time i start classes on Monday... it's NOT very portable/small/light, but powerful enough to replace a typical work-station PC... other than cell-phones and ipads, i've never messed around with touch-screen, not sure how much i'll use the feature, but getting the brilliant OLED screen was a decent upgrade that seems worth the extra cost... also upgraded to a 1T SSD... the standard RAM should be plenty for my needs, but also upgraded the o/s to the Pro version... it ought to be a decent machine to get through the upcoming educational endeavor (4-6 yrs unless I prioritize it and finish early)... i haven't played in the tech game for about a decade or so, there's hardware/appliances that i don't even want to touch lately, but it's always fun to geek out over a new tool, especially if it's for personal use.  --  ct

  08-15-24:   haven't been motivated to write for months now, even finishing the book feels like a monumental challenge, and it's 98-percent done... looking forward to starting school, feel like i need the focus that it will offer... politics is heating up, but i've been restraining myself from giving it much time and energy--but i still throw a jab or two here and there... sorry, but not-sorry to deep-state types, you're too annoying and destructive to ignore, i still appreciate the rank-and-file, just despise most of your bosses... finances have been a struggle for the past few months, but looks like i'll get a small boost in the near future, should be enough to keep us afloat until the big boost in Nov... p/t is still slow-going, a few muscles are getting stronger, but some are stubborn; i kept my healing expectations low, but doing pretty well, as well as is should have expected... sorry... the older you are the more of a wild-card things like recovery and healing become, fifty-five year old soft tissue is a wild card, and some of these muscles have been weak for years, and really needed the jump-start of p/t... finishing the patio this year might have been lofty expectations, i don't want to go on another run of muscle-relaxers due to over-working the back, neck, and shoulders again -- aka, dunning-kruger symptoms of physical abilities, uncalibrated ego... listening to a bunch of podcasts lately--Tucker, Rogan, Huberman, Peterson--and some others sprinkled between... most of the stuff sprinkled between has focused on psilocybin assisted psycho-therapy, fascinating results in multiple studies for things like anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD as well as other chronic ailments... i thought cannabis was a decent therapy compared to generally prescribed molecules, but the cubensis therapy back in the early Spring blew it away... four to six weeks of operating much closer to my potential from one 25-30mg treatment, six hours of therapy leaving my thought-process much clearer/efficient, better perception of self and ability to contribute to obvious needs, wrote most of the first book in about three weeks (although it needed tons of additional work), slept better, lower blood-pressure, less headaches, and zero depression... some of those benefits lasted more like eight to ten weeks... the results were too beneficial to keep private, which is why i've been so interested in current science regarding the nature produced therapy that is government classified as a 'drug' with no medical benefit, ignorant folks can assume as much as they want to, but the proof is in the results, which i have already experienced, so i know better than those who assume... maybe that's my next writing project, a little essay on the subject... who knows, time will tell.  --  ct

  08-09-24:  what would you do if you were in my shoes? 

  Fifty-five years old, disabled via VA and SSDI standards... more or less medically retired when i wasn't quite ready to retire. I'm at the age where our off-spring are all young adults, and require far less attention... the age where you start thinking about the next generation. I've been unemployed for the better part of four years, most of our bills are paid for, and finances will improve in November to cover what bill aren't being met right now. It's a time when folks start thinking of retiring from their grind-jobs, and think about their retirement-jobs, or 'hobbies'. I've had a few times where I really wanted to go back to school, but we just couldn't swing it financially; doors that I explored were quickly closed. It turns out that one of the disability benefits that I now qualify for will pay for re-education... meaning, if you can't do the things that used to do to pay for your bills because of disability, and if there is a job that you are interested in that won't aggravate any of your conditions, they will pay the university directly for your education. In my case it would be up to a masters degree, as that's the minimum requirement for clinical psychologist/therapist. I haven't had long-term goals for years, I always considered them to narrow your field of focus in day to day life, 'limiting' might be another word that i'd use describe them...

  So, here i am in a stage of life where I could take it easy, relax a bit and stretch out as needs are being met... the kids are grown, two of them are away for military, and education pursuits; the house is getting emptier and quieter each day, and a quiet home is my happy place. When you are considering 'retiring' you need to have something to re-focus your gifts, creativity, and passions toward; or you begin to die, and i'm not suicidal. Just as it is important for folks who grieve to find new meaning/purpose after their loss, or trauma, it's plenty important to find new meaning after your life-style, or employment drastically changes, it's how we evolve as individuals. I love to read and write, interested in psychology, and enjoy helping folks; so, i'm making use of the benefit with the goal of working myself off of disability benefits. I'm not too old of a dog to learn new things, in fact learning new things is literally my biggest 'hobby' now, it has been since I weened off of three prescriptions that the VA had me on far too long... over ten years in some state of low energy and brain fog...

  Remote classes start in just a couple/two-three weeks, i'm leasing a shiny-new laptop, and this not so new and shiny one will just be for my non-school related writing projects; I might reset it, the SSD is getting a bit full, and it's been exposed to many security threats even with the security software installed and up to date. I've got a couple of comfortable office chairs that I can swap out when one get's too annoying, and I might clean-up that room that we used to call the 'office', but has been rendered to a catch-all storage dump over the years... time will tell if i'm too distracted behind this desk to require all of the effort in cleaning out the office, there are some BIG bulky items that I'm not strong enough to move just yet (still two months post-op from shoulder repair). When I get more vision for the office I'll tackle that project, my shoulder should be significantly stronger in the next month or two/three...

  I've also run from ministry for years, I had been inflicted with the Jonah-syndrome... something like 'fvck that, people are Nuts, you want me to minister to them'... something very much like that. Schooling/credentials, and paying for a growing family's bills were always the excuses... I don't have anymore excuses for the education, the credentials/licensing follows the education; there are no more financial hurdles for schooling, and the regular bills are mostly paid for... no more excuses. Ministry happens organically now, the organized stuff is fine, but most interactions are ministry opportunities, and 'ministry' means different things to different people; even acts of kindness are a form of ministry -- or, loving your neighbor as yourself. Whether or not I ever partake in any formal-looking ministry remains to be seen, but i'm checking off a few educational requirements for ministry-related things too along my quest for the BS and MS degrees...

  I don't know what you'd do if you have the resources that I do (or lack of resources), and if you have the time that I do... but, what would you do with your time, resources, and interests?  It's good to think about that question, eventually you will experience life-changing situations/circumstances, and it might just be your passions that is the next 'whatever' for you, you're long-term goal.  Interruptions in life are opportunities for self-reflection, make some healthy changes, and pursue your dreams...

  ... I dunno, what would you do?

  08-02-24:  Happy August... or, whatever.  It's crazy humid with some high-eighties here in Rockingham County, NH.  Newton isn't close enough to the seacost to get an ocean cooling, we're actually further inland down the river valley... Merrimack Valley.  So, it's a bit sticky to begin most working people's favorite work day... Oh Yeaaaaah, happy Friday to you, where ever you are, and what ever you've got on your plate today... stay cool my friends, don't wear yourself out.  I'm trying to shift my attention back to the final edits to the manuscript... I'd like to begin my school year with the book project closed, and pushed to print; one goal finished, and a big new one that's about to begin.  I'm looking forward to actually having a long-term (6 or 7-year) goal to shift some of my attention to -- which means that I'll have less time to indulge in the unhealthy habit of consuming political news this election cycle... OK, gotta run, got a driving chore to attend to for a bit.  --  ct